So you’re running low on shit tickets, huh?
Well don’t fret just yet, Jethro. We’ll get through this together.
But brace yourself, because if you want to move forward in this new Covid-19 world we’re living in without a chapped skeech, you better listen up and listen good. We have some unorthodox ideas coming up for you, and some out-of-the-box thinking. Proceed with caution, dudes.
Rating: 4.4 out of 5
Are you one of those dudes who thinks bidets are gross, yucky or somehow an affront to your sexuality? Because we’re the kind of dudes who think that people who don’t hose their hole are the gross ones. I’d bore you with a dissertation on the hygienic implications of an unwashed anus, but I’ll leave it to the famous philosopher and associate producer of Conan on TBS, Jordan Schlansky.
Listen, the Bio Bidet Ultimate BB-600 is the Cadillac of corn-hole-cleaners. It’s got all the bells, whistles, gadgets, and doodads that you could possibly wish for. Heated seat, warm air dryer, heated water, dual spray.
You can rest assured that you’ll be crappin’ with class, and smelling better than fresh cut grass with the BB-600.
Rating: 4.6 stars out of 5
Okay, so you’re open to the idea of a bidet, but you’re not ready to make a big investment or install a new appliance? We’ve got you covered there too.
Ease into the waters with the GenieBidet portable bidet.
For under $20 you can have a discreet, easily concealed butt-wash with you at all times. The GenieBidet holds 400 ml, has telescoping nozzle storage, and comes with a travel bag.
Rating: 4.7 out of 5
Bidets aren’t your bag, but you still need something to wipe with. Gotcha.
Dude Wipes are flushable wet wipes that are an awesome product even when it’s not the zombie apocalypse. They utilize plant sourced fibers in their formula, so you can be confident that you’ll be fresh as a daisy. Each pack comes with 48 wipes, and that should last you quite some time. If it’s not, look into getting some more fiber in your diet, champ.
Paper Towels & Tissues
If none of the above methods work for you, or you need a more…urgent toilet paper alternative, we’ve got a few solutions that feature household items.
If you’re going to use a full square of the Brawny man’s pride and joy on your dirt star, you’re going to have to trust me when I tell you that the trick here is to gently BLOT.
Do NOT scrape, swipe, or smear. You will regret it dearly, I assure you.
Once you’re done, do not flush paper towels or tissues down the toilet. Paper towels and tissues are not designed to disintegrate as quickly as toilet paper is, so those materials are not septic safe. If you flush enough, you will undoubtedly be looking at a costly plumbing disaster. Instead of flushing it, place it in a zippered sandwich bag and then throw it away– preferably in a garbage can outside of your home.
Some of the guides I’ve seen regarding the best toilet paper alternatives mention cutting up old towels or wash cloths to use in the place of TP, but I have to disagree. Maybe that’s because I don’t pull my towels out of the rotation until they feel like 180 grit sandpaper.
Instead, my advice is to cut up an old t-shirt into smaller parts and use that. A towel can be abrasive and irritating, but a shirt is actually surprisingly soft. Once you’re finished, wash it in hot water– like people have done with cloth diapers for years, and you’re good to go.
Did we miss any toilet paper alternatives that you know of? Let us know! Leave us a comment or email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.